Auld LangSyety, or Midnight Blues

     Some guys are having no luck getting dates. Maybe the ladies don’t want a guy because he’s always in a bad mood, and he’s always in a bad mood because the ladies don’t want him.

     So here’s the plan: On the evening that marks the end of another year when he has had no luck at all, we’ll hold forth a great party, and everybody will have a date except him. We’ll all get dressed up, and we’ll drink ourselves tipsy so we won’t care if we’re being seen, and we’ll cuddle in public to show him what he’s missing.

     To mark the occasion when he has lost another year with no luck at all, and begins yet another year when his prospects are no better, we’ll go to the trouble of assembling on the city square, in the freezing cold, in the middle of the night, and we’ll count down the seconds, so we can observe the moment with all the mathematical precision of rocket scientists launching the Space Shuttle. At T zero, we’ll explode in a massive wave of celebration, and begin cuddling, kissing, and dancing in the street to Auld Lang Syne. Let us top it off by drowning the city square in a psychedelic kaleidoscope of strobe lights, confetti, and fireworks to emphasize that this is a time to be happy.

     At 0:10, as the party starts winding down, a pretty woman will spot him walking alone and taunt, “Happy New Year!” as she cuddles with her lover boy.

     Payback can be nasty. He doesn’t even have to get violent to vent his anger. He can practice nonviolent hostility.

     It doesn’t have to be this way.

And there’s a hand, my trusty feire,
And gie’s a hand o’ thine;

     Maybe you can make a difference. If you know somebody in distress, there are some things you should understand.

     If you’re a lady he has asked out, and he’s not your type, he cannot ask you to help him find somebody, because he is supposed to pretend that he was only interested in you, and he cannot immediately admit that any other woman would do just as well, even if it’s true. You can offer to talk with him about how to find a sweetheart.

Do’s and Don’ts

     Don’t say, “Is it because you’re having no luck getting dates?” Likely, he doesn’t want somebody to feel so bad that she’ll date him, he wants somebody to feel so good that she’ll date him, and he does not know what you have in mind.

     Do say, “I don’t know what’s bothering you, but one common thing going around is people having no luck getting dates. If that’s what’s bothering you, I can talk with you about how to find somebody.”

     Offer the person some advice, and check back in a week or two. If he still has not had any luck, sit down with him and two friends of yours to brainstorm. The fact that these three peers understand the severity of the problem and are willing to spend this time could be the boost he needs.

     Don’t assume somebody is all set, just because you find the person to be attractive.

     Don’t suggest professional help. That sends out the extremely insulting message, You’re crazy if you think you should be able to get a date once in a while.

     Don’t help a fag find a faggot-fwiend. You would only encourage homosexuality.

     Do urge the fag to straighten out. This will be better for everybody, including the fag. He may want to have children someday.

     Don’t lie and pretend you’re interested, just to be charitable. If you want to be charitable, you might say, “Well, if you’re making sure I don’t get left out, that’s good of you, because it’s no fun being left out; but as it happens, I’m all set. However, if you like what you see and you want it, I guess I don’t object, either. Or I can talk with you about how to find somebody.”

     Gentlemen, if you’re speaking with a damsel in distress, offer to help her find a guy. If you also want her, your best way to assure her that it’s okay with you is to say, “I understand if maybe I’m not your type, so I don’t want to get pushy, but just don’t get the silly idea that you’d be imposing on me any.”

     Don’t use the word “really” when you can say “actually” or “truly”. The word “really” could be misunderstood to mean “extremely”.

     Don’t consider the person’s depression and despair to be disqualifying, in the sense that a drunk woman is off-limits to men. That would build an inescapable trap, plunging the person deeper into depression and despair.

And any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.

Are you the one in despair?

     Try the internet. When you make contact, ask her to go see a comedy movie with you. The movie will be material for the conversation.

     Keep track of the new comedy movies at the theater. That way, when you ask a woman out, in person, you’ll have the perfect excuse: It’s no fun to go to the movies alone. Don’t lie and tell her you’re just itching to go see this new movie. Just tell her the truth: You haven’t seen it yet.

     If your date detects that you are depressed and asks what is bothering you, just tell her that you would rather not discuss that, because you are trying to show her a good time. If she backs down, you have a chance to thank her for doing so. Just reassure her that you are not unhappy because of anything she did.

     Quite possibly, on a date, you will think you want it. Maybe you do. However, that’s not the medicine you need for your depression, contrary to what you might think. You need cuddles, and a long time of cuddles. You don’t soothe a bruise by rubbing ice across it once. You need to apply the ice for an extended period of time. Even if you break up, you’ll find it easier to ask women out, and you’ll have better luck, because you’re not in a bad mood.

     If you’re a woman and you’re the one who has been having no luck, be careful how you interpret a guy’s words. You don’t want to make him feel so bad he’ll go out with you, but remember that a damsel in distress, who needs a knight in shining armor to rescue her and fix her broken heart, is a big turn-on for a lot of guys.